Language Authenticity during Conflict

I'm trying to be conscious of my language, to be authentic with my words. I'm doing this because it is what I want from others. I have a long way to go in getting the hang of this practice, though, because we have learned so many ways to fool ourselves into thinking we are being authentic (real, truthful), when we actually are not.

Take, for instance, the issue of "I" statements. Ever since the 1970s "politically correct" folks have encouraged the use of "I" statements for better communications, especially during conflicts. The theory is that the speaker is then owning their feelings and not blaming the other person. For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk loud," doesn't blame the other person, but does inform them that the speaker has a button that gets pushed if they talk loud. Ok, that all seems well and good, but is the intention of an "I" statement truly being carried out if the speaker says, "I feel threatened right now," or are they indirectly accusing the other person of threatening them? A person can use the word "I" in such a way that, rather than owning their feelings, they are being passive aggressive or manipulative. Basically, not authentic.

In a similar vein, two people in conflict may come to a mutually agreeable resolution, yet one person may leave the discussion feeling unsettled, not quite "heard." This can happen in situations like this: Person A does something that infringes on Person B in some way. Person B speaks up about the matter rather than just sucking it up. Assuming both are reasonable, a discussion happens at some point, and, hopefully, a resolution follows. However, Person B may still have a bad taste in his or her brain, because through the whole discussion, Person A exhibited an unspoken frustration about the fact that Person B created this problem. Who created the problem?

Communications get very cloudy and convoluted when people try to discuss these things. Part of the problem is that we can't be authentic in our language unless we are truthful with ourselves. Many subconscious motivations and learned defenses jump into a discussion scenario and make it extremely difficult to speak cleanly, especially during conflicts.

And, you know what? I hate processing. I hate long discussions about semantics. I hate it when people use words that they have learned are politically correct, when my gut tells me they aren't being sincere. And, I hate it when I catch myself doing the same.

But, I love envisioning a world where we say what we mean and mean what we say.

Childhood as a Language

A friend of mine told me about a time her daughter cut her foot. Mother exclaims, "Are you ok?!" Her wise daughter said, "Why do people always ask that? Wouldn't it be more to the point to ask if there's any way you can help?"

Recently I saw a young boy who I hadn't seen in awhile. Since I have been thinking about words and phrases a lot lately, I hesitated before asking him how old he was. I realized what I really wanted to know and asked the question directly, "How many years do you have?" He understood immediately and held up four fingers.

When I was two, I spent time in the hospital in a serious condition. Whenever my parents asked the doctor how I was, he would say, "She's still pretty bad." They asked when I could come home and he said, "Not until she's much better." I heard his words so strongly that I wouldn't ask for water or a blanket if I needed them, because I was trying so hard to be better.

Childhood is a place where words are literal. Children pay the consequences when adults forget that. I encourage parents, especially of children under five years of age, to consider the language they used when stating the "rules" and to evaluate whether discipline is truly in order.

For a three year old, "outside" the front door is a whole different world than "outside" the back door. Is it fair to yell at a child for breaking the rules laid down in one world when they are in the other world? If this doesn't make sense to you, think how confusing it must be for a young child.

And, the problems that start with language in Childhood don't end when childhood ends. I've spent a lifetime trying to be better, trying not to be bad, because I don't want to wind up back in the hospital. 

Insecurities, need for validation, self-criticism... how much starts with the language used with us as children?

Fresh Baked Bread

I've been thinking about speech patterns we use casually, and how these vary from one individual to another, affected by our personal experiences, plus the age periods and cultures we grew up in. Traditions, manners, and other influences also play a part. In fact, there are actually rather a mess of influences once you start thinking about it. I'm surprised that we can communicate effectively at all sometimes. Or can we?

People may get their feelings hurt unintentionally by something that is said or not said. Phrases are used to validate or ask for validation; disappointments or embarrassment result by tone of voice or timing. People often leave a social situation feeling guilty, insulted or self-conscious, but perhaps it is word usage that is the culprit.

This blog is about these kinds of things. I present my thinking as "food for thought" and encourage comments.

Today's "Food" is a story of Fresh Baked Bread: Three people sit around a table and a 4th removes fresh baked bread from the oven, slices it, and places it on the table with butter. Do they need to say anything? [indirectly asking for a compliment?] Does anyone need to ask if they can have a slice? Does anyone really need to say Thank you or You're welcome? Aren't all these things obvious? 

Words that might have a use are "Wow! What is that flavor? I've never tasted bread like this before."

This is a simple example, but I invite you to notice how many unnecessary words we use, and to examine the intention behind our words. Authenticity in communication is not speaking just to speak, but because there is actually something to say. Chew on that.