Language Authenticity during Conflict

I'm trying to be conscious of my language, to be authentic with my words. I'm doing this because it is what I want from others. I have a long way to go in getting the hang of this practice, though, because we have learned so many ways to fool ourselves into thinking we are being authentic (real, truthful), when we actually are not.

Take, for instance, the issue of "I" statements. Ever since the 1970s "politically correct" folks have encouraged the use of "I" statements for better communications, especially during conflicts. The theory is that the speaker is then owning their feelings and not blaming the other person. For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk loud," doesn't blame the other person, but does inform them that the speaker has a button that gets pushed if they talk loud. Ok, that all seems well and good, but is the intention of an "I" statement truly being carried out if the speaker says, "I feel threatened right now," or are they indirectly accusing the other person of threatening them? A person can use the word "I" in such a way that, rather than owning their feelings, they are being passive aggressive or manipulative. Basically, not authentic.

In a similar vein, two people in conflict may come to a mutually agreeable resolution, yet one person may leave the discussion feeling unsettled, not quite "heard." This can happen in situations like this: Person A does something that infringes on Person B in some way. Person B speaks up about the matter rather than just sucking it up. Assuming both are reasonable, a discussion happens at some point, and, hopefully, a resolution follows. However, Person B may still have a bad taste in his or her brain, because through the whole discussion, Person A exhibited an unspoken frustration about the fact that Person B created this problem. Who created the problem?

Communications get very cloudy and convoluted when people try to discuss these things. Part of the problem is that we can't be authentic in our language unless we are truthful with ourselves. Many subconscious motivations and learned defenses jump into a discussion scenario and make it extremely difficult to speak cleanly, especially during conflicts.

And, you know what? I hate processing. I hate long discussions about semantics. I hate it when people use words that they have learned are politically correct, when my gut tells me they aren't being sincere. And, I hate it when I catch myself doing the same.

But, I love envisioning a world where we say what we mean and mean what we say.